


Rude, Nasty, Weird, and Other Words You Should Never Use to Describe the Man You Love

by virtualboy



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Epistolary, Getting Together, Light Angst, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, a smattering of background pairings not tagged, character study of a sort, excessive liberties taken with the canon timeline, takes place over a little under a year, working through feelings about a boy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:21:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23507551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/virtualboy/pseuds/virtualboy
Summary: A shoe box falls from its spot on the shelf, and the contents unceremoniously spill out onto the floor. Inside are countless letters, some crumpled, some folded, and others stained.Kiyoomi knows he shouldn’t touch them. But the letter on the top of the pile, with it’s folded corners and coffee stains, grabs his attention immediately.One look couldn’t hurt, right?
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 75
Kudos: 379
Collections: SakuAtsu Week 2020





	1. Nasty

**Author's Note:**

> Atsumu has problems, and what better way to deal with those problems than some messy letters to himself? Nothing can go wrong

**November 21, 2018**

_his hands are so nasty, I cant stop looking at them._

_I dunno what it is about them, but I might be obsessed with them. hes just so flexible and weird, the way he bends them back and forth like he doesnt have any bones is fascinating_

_its kinda hot in a gross way. I wonder if the rest of his joints are that flexible or if its just his hands. maybe I should ask him or something. hey omi-kun, ya hyper flexible in every joint or just yer nasty hands?_

_yeah hed probably get mad at me for that._

_I wonder if it hurts at all, or it its uncomfortable. like even though he can bend his hands back like that, maybe it feels weird. or when hes doing his nasty spikes._

_sometimes I want to take his hands and just rub them or something. I dunno but I want to touch them real bad. they dont seem like theyd feel weird, ~~just~~ okay maybe they do seem like theyd feel weird, but not in a bad way! they look bony and rough but his hands are probably super nice. his nails are pretty clean all the time too, bet he takes real good care of his hands. probs has some stupidly complex skincare routine he does every morning and night just for his hands since he washes them all the damn time _

_gotta keep that skin soft somehow, am I right_

_this is getting weird I dont know how much more I can write about his hands before i go crazy_

_I should stop staring at them at practice too, hes probably noticed by now right? yeah, he probably thinks I'm a fucking weirdo for always watching him do his stretches_

_maybe one day Ill get to feel them. maybe help him out with his stretches before practice, lacing our fingers together and stretching our hands back to loosen up the tendons, but really were just using it as an excuse to hold hands. his fingers are so long though, I wish I could imagine what itd feel like to hold hands with him. I dont know if theyre bigger than mine or not, but imagining how theyd feel wrapped around my hand, or intertwined with my fingers is making me feel embarrassed for me._

_I sorta doubt it though. def not the kinda guy to just let someone like me touch his hands._

_too bad._

_  
_

* * *

**December 1, 2018**

_wow okay Kiyoomi keeps fuckin surprising me_

_its been super super cold lately and my hands are starting to get stupid dry like they always do in winter. I didnt think it would be that bad though, so I havent been carrying around my hand lotion like usual. they started hurting at practice today, and when Kiyoomi asked me what was wrong I told him that my hands get dry in winter and they were probably gonna crack if I kept playing like I was_

_so Kiyoomi leaves, like an asshole, but when he comes back he has the fuck huge lotion bottle he always carries around._

_I expected him to just give me the bottle and tell me to keep my hands properly moisturized so my skin doesnt crack and I dont get germs or some shit_

_but no!_

_Kiyoomi doesnt do that!_

_instead he pumps some lotion in his hands, then grabs mine, and he_

_starts_

_fucking_

_massaging it in._

_I almost died._

_everyone was staring at us the whole time too, and I couldnt even do anything. I just stood there and watched him as he rubbed the lotion in._

_his hands were so gentle_

_my heart is racing I need to take a break_

_okay I’m back_

_he rubbed the lotion into my hands so unbelievably gently, he even got between my fingers and all the way up to my wrist. my hands are still buzzing from his touch._

_then! as if that wasnt bad enough!_

_he gently takes one of my hands in his, and with the other he starts rubbing the lotion into my fingertips. he did it one by one, rubbing my fingers carefully between his pointer finger and his thumb._

_I didnt even wash my hands before it_

_he was touching me so much_

_his hands felt so amazing in so many ways that I never could have imagined. they look bony and gross but theyre so soft and gentle and he’s so soft, and the way his fingers felt wrapped around my own was unreal_

_I couldnt look away from his face though. I was spellbound by his eyes the whole time. he stared at my hands so intently, like they were the only thing in the room. I dont know if its because he was super into what he was doing, or if its cause looking at my face or anyone else while he was doing this would kill him. I know if I looked at anyone I would die from shame, so maybe he was the same way. cant totally blame him, everyone was staring pretty intently and whispering about us. theyre not quiet whisperers either_

_he didnt have a mask on either, and since hes taller than me I could just stare at his face the whole time. he bites his lip when hes nervous. his ears turn pink, he doesnt look away from what hes doing, and he licks his lips really often when hes not busy biting them._

_I kinda forgot anyone was even around us, we were bound by a spell or something. a lotion spell that you cast by holding hands with a dude youve had feelings for since july._

_after he was done, he squeezed my hands softly and pulled away. I dont know if the squeeze was intentional or not but god did it do something to me._

_I want to kiss him more than anything_

_I want to kiss him until his ears are pink and his lips are raw_

_his moles are so cute_

_I’m gonna go lay down and think about my life._

_his hands are bigger than mine, by the way_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please assume any grammatical incorrectness or inconsistencies are intentional.
> 
> I like to think Atsumu has ugly handwriting so pretend you can’t read like, 90% of this for the full Kiyoomi Experience
> 
> I will be posting updates to my twitter account [@v1rtualboy](https://twitter.com/v1rtualboy) follow me for a good time


	2. Freak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next letter is folded in thirds, carefully and neatly creased in an act almost reverent. 
> 
> The one beneath it is a crumpled mess with a frantic scrawl, a bit more in character for Atsumu.

**July 18, 2018**

_he wears a mask every day._

_I mean I get why he does it with the whole germ thing and all, but I’m still impressed by his dedication. even on the worst, muggiest days, hes still wearing one. its gotta be uncomfortable, right? I mean I’m sitting here, sweating in a t shirt and shorts, and hes out there wearing a tracksuit and masks to almost every place he can get away with it at. maybe hes just been doing it for so long that hes used to it by now, or maybe he likes feeling like he’s being baked alive._

_I dont know if Ive ever seen him without a mask, to be honest. even when he isnt wearing one, he still has one with him. I dont know how many of those things he carries around, but he probably buys them in bulk and stays up till 2 in the morning sterilizing some plastic bags to store them in so he can carry them around in his sport bag.  
_

_I guess its not that weird, he doesnt seem to be able to function without them anyways so its probably for the best that he carries as many as physically possible_

_would it be weird for me to carry one around too? I mean, what if he needs one and hes out of masks? I dont think that’d ever happen, that doesnt strike me as the Sakusa Kiyoomi style._

_still_

_it wouldnt be bad to consider_

* * *

**July 24, 2018**

_we had a game today_

_it was pretty standard stuff, we totally kicked ass, but_

_Sakusa freaked out_

_even though the game was pretty low key, there were a ton of people around when we got there and he kept getting asked questions by interviewers who were totally ignoring his personal space_

_so he got all panicky and ran away_

_he wasnt wearing a mask, probably because we were about to go warm up so that probably didnt help, he still couldve put one on though_

_I mean none of us care if he wears a mask during practice, you gotta do what you gotta do yknow?_

_it still really, really sucked to see_

_I followed him without even thinking. I kinda had my doubts he would come back on his own, and I think everyone else mightve also thought that he was just gonna straight up leave before the game started. he kinda seems like the type of person who just dips when hes panicking._

_cant blame him_

_but he didnt leave, he went to some empty part of the gym and collapsed on a bench. I dunno if he knew I was following him or not but I’m glad he didnt leave, that wouldve made shit so much more complicated._

_when I came up to him, he looked so awful, his glare wasnt even its usual intense thing, he just looked sad._

_I swear he was almost crying._

_he didnt say anything, but he probably thought I was going to get mad at him for leaving or something. I felt so fucking bad, and I suck at comforting people. I still had my bag with me though, so I gave him the mask I started carrying around. I dunno what his usually mask protocol is, but I tried my best to assure him that it was totally sterile and my gross hands never touched it._

_he snatched it from me so quick I couldnt even react. I dont know if he even heard my explanation or if he just saw a mask and moved on instinct._

_once he had it on and stopped looking like he was going to die, I figured it was okay for me to get closer so I just sat near him on the bench and chilled with him while he calmed down. no one ever came our way, which probably helped him relax._

_I dont want to say it was pathetic, cause Ive had panic attacks before and the last thing I want is for some asshole to call me pathetic. but he just sat there and hugged his knees, and it sucked so bad cause I just wanted to do something like, hug him or comfort him but I have no idea how to do that with people I know, let alone Sakusa._

_I just hope that me being there helped him a little. and the mask. mostly me, though._

_is that selfish?_

_we still had time before we were supposed to start warming up, so I didnt rush him or anything. he can take all the time he needs to calm down._

_I still think that jog through the sports center totally shouldve counted as our warm up anyways_

_once hed calmed down, he asked me why I was even carrying a mask around in the first place. he sounded so accusatory while doing it, he probably thought I was some kinda freak._

_I just told him flat out that its cause were teammates, and I pay attention to shit like this. cant have my boy omi-kun out of commission all because a reported got too close to him after all._

_he got mad at me for saying that_

_but I told him I know this kind of thing is important to him though, so I started carrying around one in case this exact thing ever happened._

_and it did! so I guess I need to keep carrying them around. I’m going to go put another one in my bad right now before I forget_

_he didnt really react to it other than just staring at me blankly though. probably still thinks I’m some kinda weirdo. its not like I wouldnt do the same thing for another teammate, I just_

_would I do the same thing for them?_

_shochan and bokkun both have their quirks, but I dont think theyre anywhere in the ballpark of Sakusa. I cant even really imagine something this drastic happening with them anyways. bokkun’s slumped before, but he picks himself up out of those so easily that its not really a concern. I dont think shochan has an off switch either, so I just dont really worry about them. no one else really has a thing like Sakusa where itll affect their ability to play._

_I dont really think about everyone elses problems the same way I do with Sakusa, though._

_maybe its just that his issues are really noticeable._

_everyone’s got their problems, but I dont know that its as bad as Sakusa. I’m sure that if any of them were in a situation like Sakusa, Id be able to pay more attention to them. Sakusa just sticks out so much compared to them that its hard for me not to pay attention to him._

_or maybe I just notice Kiyoomi more_

_once it was time for us to go back, he went easily. he seemed pretty fine for the most part, maybe a little antsier than before but thats expected. he seemed to relax even more once we got back and started warming up too, probably because he was on the court and far away from anyone who would get up into his face_

_I hope hes okay right now_

_on the way back he grabbed my jacket to stop me so he could thank me_

_why’s he gotta be so dramatic, why cant he just thank me normally_

_he sounded super reluctant while he was thanking me too, and when I looked at him he was staring at the wall next to us. it was kind of adorable in a weird, Sakusa-y way, like he was all embarrassed just because he was thanking me. he probably was embarrassed._

_that probably means he was being genuine_

_I’m starting to understand him a little better, I think_

_maybe his personality isnt as sucky as I thought it was._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might post a timeline eventually, but for now enjoy me having oh so much fun with non-linearity. 
> 
> Also I posted my playlist for this on my twitter that is just "Atsumu's love songs that he listens to every time he writes these letters without even realizing that he's listening to them" in case music accompaniment is your thing 
> 
> I havent been putting the prompts on my chapters cause it looks clunky to me for some reason so uhhh I'm sorry, today's was masks/hide and day 1 was hands/touch


	3. Bastard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One of the letters is torn almost completely through the middle, but it seems like Atsumu decided against it at the last moment. There’s tape over the rip on the empty side of the paper. 
> 
> The other is neatly folded in half.

**November 14, 2018**

_he has a scar near the corner of his right eye. I noticed it while we were huddled today. I’m always staring at him, he looks so good after practice. the way his hair sticks back while hes sweaty, and how his shirt sits so nicely on his body, showing off his collar bones. I definitely didnt pay any attention to shuukun at all, but no one seemed to catch me staring. especially not Kiyoomi, but I cant say that for sure. hes freakishly observant._

_Ive never noticed the scar before though, it’s really faint and you probably have to be looking pretty hard to find it normally._

_whats that say about me then, huh?_

_I kinda wanna ask him how he got it, but that seems really weird. like, hey omi kun I was staring at you really intensely the other day and noticed you have a tiny scar near your eye that no one would normally see, how’d you get it? would you mind if I grabbed your face and really looked at it, maybe rubbed my thumb over it softly?_

_little bit weird._

_I wonder if he has more scars. he plays so hard, theres gotta be at least a couple marks from volleyball alone._

_I want to chart the marks on his body like theyre the stars in the sky, I want to kiss them and erase any bad memories he might have associated with them. I want to make him smile._

_osamu fucking found this and called me a whorish poet I swear one day I will beat him to death._

* * *

**October 6, 2018**

_I saw his smile today._

_I made a stupid joke today and no one laughed except him. it wasnt even a GOOD joke. it was so dumb, he just doubled over and started laughing so hard that I forgot how to speak. I forgot what the joke even was, all I can think about is his laugh_

_his beautiful laugh_

_he never laughs at my jokes_

_it felt like a knife going through my heart but like in a good way_

_hes such a bastard whyyy_ [the line melts into nonsensical scribbles]

_he only ever laughs when I’m doing something exceptionally stupid, his smile is so perfect every time I see it it absolutely ruins me_

_I wish he wouldnt hide it so much, but god if it doesnt make it even more special when I actually get to see it. I’ll act stupid every single day for the rest of my stupid life if it means he’ll laugh for me again_

_I complained to osamu about how much this was messing with me. he said I was being an idiot about this whole thing, but what the hell does he know? hes been pining for years, if he cant see how much suna likes his dumb ass then he cant tell me shit about my problems_

_he doesnt get it anyways, Kiyoomi’s totally different from anyone else Ive ever liked before. hes_

_what is he?  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short and sweet baby
> 
> Shuukun is the stupid nickname i imagine Atsumu gives Meian because he's never respected anyone in his life and he's not about to start now


	4. Weird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both of the letters are crumpled, like they’re ready to be tossed out into the trash. Something must have compelled Atsumu to keep them though.
> 
> Kiyoomi carefully smooths them out.

**November 3, 2018**

_I see traces of him everywhere._

_I’m at the point of no return, arent I_

_when I’m out and I smell his favorite foods, or when I see a black cat napping in the sun, or when I see a sale on masks, it all reminds me of him. I'm such a mess.  
_

_its getting harder and harder to ignore these feelings I have. its already impossible to ignore him, the last thing I need is think 'wow hes so fucking cute' every time he does literally anything._

_I thought I would be happy with just watching him and letting my feelings go ignored, but its almost painful now._

_the worst part is that he doesnt even know hes doing this to me. I’m sure he thinks hes removing all traces of himself from everyone’s lives, efficiently picking up the pieces of himself that hes left behind. but its not working, he fucking sucks at it. I still see him everywhere. I still think about him all the time._

_I know theres no point in even attempting to ignore my feelings anymore, but if I dont ignore them, who knows what will happen. I am not liable for that lovestruck bitch. except I am, because hes me and I suck._

_I’m already dangerously toeing the line between ‘just friends’ and ‘its totally obvious I have a crush on you why arent you getting this yet’, what’ll happen if I actually do anything? what’ll happen if I cross the line that I’m already stepping on? its not like it isnt painfully obvious though, I embarrass myself in front of him every single day whether I mean to or not.  
_

_does he even realize though? does he have any fucking idea what hes doing to me?_

_hes never made an indication that he knows. not once. not even negatively! hes just completely blank. he barely responds to my pathetic attempts at stepping over that line at all. I just want anything, any shred of an indication of how hes feeling for me to grab onto. if he hates it then I’ll stop_

_it’ll hurt more than anything, but I’ll do it for him. I'd do anything for him though.  
_

_I guess I can always have hope that he secretly does like it this way, but I dont know. could Kiyoomi like me in the way I like him? hes enough of a blunt asshole that hed have told me by now to knock it off if he really didnt like it, right? so maybe that is a good sign. maybe he does like me, even if its just in a friend way. I just wish hed give me anything. literally anything. I know what he is to me, but what am I to him? am I anything more than a teammate? does he even consider us friends?_

_it feels like hes slipping through my fingers like sand, but I dont think I ever had a grip on him in the first place._

_even if he does vanish, the traces of him will never leave._

_I know that for sure._

* * *

**October 17, 2018**

_I think I figured out what he is._

_kinda_

_hes weird, hes secretive and grumpy and easily annoyed and I still dont really know if he likes me or not, but hes amazing. hes a great volleyball player, and hes always smirking at me for just about everything. especially when he does something better than me which is pretty much all the time and beyond aggravating. but he has these stupid dimples when he smiles too and its not fair for him to look so cute when hes being an ass._

_sometimes when he jumps, his shirt will ride up a little and I can see the moles on his lower back and its embarrassing to admit how much they get to me. everything about Kiyoomi gets to me though, his awful personality included._

_he cant open doors without freaking out at least a little bit first, and he always carries hand sanitizer and lotion in case he does have to touch something. he also puts lotion on after he uses hand sanitizer every time, and it smells really sweet._ _he dislikes when people touch him, but even more so he hates feeling like hes trapped and cant get away. I think its why he hates crowds so much, theres no escape from the people. he doesnt like hugs either, which really sucks cause I think hugging him would be life changing._

_he likes koi ponds and sitting in the sun and parting his hair so everyone on earth can see the two moles on his forehead._

_he fell asleep in a spot of sunlight while we were taking a break from practice, and I sat next to him for a while. hes like a cat. he was really cute. I couldnt help but reach out and gently touch some of his hair, moving it out of his face. he almost instantly woke up though. we just silently stared at each other for a while, and then I just got up and left. neither of us have said anything about it still and I'm so fucking embarrassed.  
_

_his hair is really soft though._

_he always seems to be exhausted too. it makes me worried about him, I want him playing at his best._

_he laughs at my awful jokes while telling me how bad they are. he has the most beautiful smile ive ever seen._

_one day, even if its just for a second, Id like to touch him. I want to be the only person on earth to know the pleasure of being able to feel Kiyoomi’s skin. he keeps making me act selfish. I dont even need to kiss him or date him or anything, Id be happy with just holding his hand, or being allowed to put my arm around his shoulder or his waist, or be able to slide my hand along his side or cup his cheeks when hes not wearing a mask or draw lines between the moles on his back_

_I know thats a lot to ask from someone who doesnt even like me back._

_what am I to him?_

_I dont think I’ll ever know, but to me_

_hes everything.  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no words
> 
> trace/skin lol


	5. Intense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two letters are again folded in thirds, which seems to be Atsumu’s go-to when he isn’t freaking out. They’re both relatively unassuming, though one looks significantly older than the other.

**September 2, 2018**

_Kiyoomi asked me why I’m always hanging around him today._

_I dont know how long I laughed for, but by the time I was done he looked like he was going to kill me. I cant believe him sometimes._

_me? hanging around him? like Kiyoomi doesnt follow me around wherever we go?_

_I mean, I definitely do hang around him the most. I dont think I'm playing favorites, I mean, shochan is so fun to hang around with and bokkun is his own party, but theres something about Kiyoomi thats just captivating. hes so much different from everyone else, its entertaining. its fun to watch him just exist sometimes._

_he kinda reminds me of Kita in a way. super serious, blunt, mean to everyone but especially me. I guess I just keep attracting these kinds of guys. but Kiyoomi is completely different. hes super crazy intense about everything even when it looks like hes giving us absolutely nothing which is all the time, hes meticulous about everything, and he hates it when I get near his stuff. I dont do it on purpose, his stuff just happens to be near mine almost always._

_his bag is the neatest bag I’ve ever seen by the way, I didnt think you could organize a sports bag that efficiently but damn, he’s just full of surprises huh. I feel like if I ever touch it he will kill me for real though.  
_

_anyways I told him that I definitely wasnt following him around or anything, he was the one whos been sticking by me. I’m pretty sure it started after that one game where I gave him a mask. then he went quiet for a while. I couldnt really tell what he was thinking, we both just sat there in silence. I half expected him to just leave, to be honest, maybe insult me while he goes, the typical Kiyoomi M.O._

_when I looked at him though, the tips of his ears were faintly pink. I really hope I wasnt imagining it._

_after a while he apologized to me and told me he didnt realize he was doing it._

_I feel bad about making him thinking he needs to apologize for that, did he think I didnt like it or something? I definitely dont mind him hanging around me, it makes me feel special to be chosen by Kiyoomi. that was such a lame way to word it oh my god.  
_

_I told him that it was no big deal to me though, and I dont mind him being around me. hes entertaining, after all._

_I didnt tell him that part._

_but I did tell him I thought of us as friends, however reluctant both of us might be about it._

_all he said in response was ‘okay’ though. just okay??? I wish I knew what his problem was, but I guess I can take that for now. its probably the closest I’ll ever get to him admitting that were friends anyways._

_his voice is really soft when hes embarrassed. hes quiet normally, but theres something about the way he speaks when hes like this. usually his voice is deep and always sounds like hes annoyed, but today he sounded nervous or something. maybe hes shy about this kind of stuff? it was so much softer and so much more unsure sounding. its hard for me to really tell what he was actually feeling based on a handful of words, but I kinda get the vibe that hes not really used to having friends. or, maybe hes just not used to someone like me._ _he shouldnt be though, weve known each other for months now, he might as well get used to it. were basically living with each other after all, with how much time weve spent together._

_living with Kiyoomi doesnt sound half bad, actually._

_wait nevermind its probably a nightmare. hed faint if he saw how messy my room is right now._

_guess I should probably clean up._

* * *

**May 12, 2018**

_I think sakusa hates me._

_or he thinks I hate him, I dunno which_

_I have no idea what I did though, I cant talk to him or even be around him at all. he just glares at me and tells me to fuck off._

_okay he doesnt actually tell me to fuck off, but it definitely feels like hes chanting it in his head whenever he looks at me. what does he think of me?? does he just think I'm an asshole? we've barely even spoken to each other.  
_

_he always has such a serious, intense look on his face, even when hes not doing anything._

_whenever he glares at me with that scary intense look, its so hard for me to even look away. I feel like I'm trapped by it._

_when hes not looking at me though, I could watch him all day. theres something about him thats just_

_captivating._

_maybe thats why he hates me though, cause I'm always watching him. I dont know how much he remembers me from high school, but whatever he does remember probably isnt good. maybe he just thinks I'm some annoying asshole, or that I'm scrutinizing him. I wouldn't say that I'm going that far, but its hard not to watch him. he draws my attention in, I cant help but study him._

_I just wish hed talk to me instead of ignoring me, if I'm pissing him off then itd be nice to know instead of us doing this whole non-communication thing. we cant keep dancing around each other forever, were teammates after all._

_maybe I’ll talk to him about it at practice._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do have words. 
> 
> Atsumu is dumb as fuuuuuuck. 
> 
> trust/misunderstanding


	6. Rude

**May 24, 2018**

_Kiyoomi got to me first._

_it was kind of a surprise, I know I wanted him to talk to me and all but I didnt really expect it to happen. I mean, it has been like over a week since I told myself that I'd talk to him so maybe he just got impatient.  
_

_I just expected him to tell me how sick to death of me he is and how annoying I am or something, and he kinda did. he was just telling me how annoying and awful I am and why I hate him when we havent even spoken._

_it was pretty shitty to hear, to be honest.  
_

_I didnt think I was acting like that, I feel bad that he really did think I hated him this whole time. maybe he just thinks I really am some asshole. hes not totally off base though, especially if all hes going off of is high school. I wasnt exactly a stellar person all the time. not that I’m a whole lot better now, but I like to think I’ve improved as a person even if only by a small amount.  
_

_I told him I dont hate him, I didnt really know what else to say though. thats such a shitty thing to say though. I dont_ hate _you, I just dont like you. thats probably what he thought I meant. I didnt know what to say though! its hard to come up with something on the spot when someone asks you why you hate them when you dont. I mean, what am I supposed to say? no I dont hate you I just think you’re interesting so I’ve been watching you because I like watching you_

_that probably actually wouldve been better than what I actually said. still weird, but at least weird in the opposite direction._

_he probably thinks I’m constantly judging him or something like that. he seems like hes judging me too, I mean who just assumes that someone hates them based on one interaction? me, i guess. and sakusa. check us out, in the same shitty miscommunication boat.  
_

_its a little bit annoying though, like he thinks he hasn’t been just as weird towards me or like he hasnt been acting like he hates me this whole time? look in the mirror, omi-kun._

_I know I definitely dont hate him. I think his personality is pretty sucky, but hes a good player, and hes weird. hes a lot of things really, but I dont hate him._

_its definitely annoying that he just assumes that since I'm watching him, I must hate him. or I'm judging him or something. were on the same team, what else am I supposed to do? I dont even know why I watch him, I just do. if I really had to pinpoint it with something then I'd say I like that we're on the same team._

_I guess I'll tell him that.  
_

* * *

**August 8, 2018**

_No clue what omikun thinks of me anymore. I dont think he hates me, but who can say really. hes still rude as hell all the time, and he tells me my jokes suck. my jokes do NOT suck._

_he definitely hangs around me a lot, though. if someone hated me they probably wouldnt do that, right? maybe Kiyoomi is just weird. I didnt even notice it at first, then shochan pointed it out. everyone on this damn team is so observant, it freaks me out. what are they all seeing that I’m not, huh?_

_anyways I started noticing him a lot more after that. he really does stick by me all the time. did I earn his trust or something when I gave him that mask? its pretty weird and I dont really know how to feel about it. I guess I’m glad that he feels comfortable around me? instead of hating me like he used to. or, thinking we hate each other_

_he still hasnt told me what was up with that. maybe he never will. I guess as long as hes okay with me now then its fine._

_I still dont really get him though. why me? all cause I gave him a mask? hes got such low standards its almost sad.  
_

_though it does feel weird that he just suddenly relies on me. hes gotta broaden his horizons or something like that, everyone else on the team is a good dude. probably better than me, to be honest._

_and yet, here he is.  
_

_he had an interview after one of our games and I think it just shattered him. he always seems so calm and collected during them, he answers all the questions he needs to as efficiently as he can while still being professional, but afterwords usually sucks. at the least, he's be extra tired and irritable. at the worst, he might just leave.  
_

_he didnt leave this time though, instead he just leaned his head against my back. I almost dropped my phone, he cant surprise me like that its not fair. I didnt really know what to do so I just stood there in silence while he rested against me, and I think everyone was snickering. theyre all bastards I swear._

_it was totally not a hug or anything even remotely in the vicinity of that but god he fucking touched me, he put his head on my back and thinking about it is making me dizzy._

_after a while like that I laughed awkwardly and asked him if he was good, but he didnt respond and pulled away instead. I instantly regretted even saying anything. I know he was probably going to move anyways and it didnt even like, mean anything you know? it still felt bad._

_I guess it does make me really happy that he feels comfortable around me. I dont know if I’m feeling smug or happy or what, but its just a nice feeling. maybe not smug then. it kinda feels like I can rub it in everyones faces though, that omi likes me and likes being in my presence even if its only for his own comfort. okay maybe it is smug. I dunno, I dont actually feel that way though, I dont really want to rub it in anyones face. I just want him to feel okay._

_I dont mind him relying on me. I dont mind kiyoomi at all, really. I’ll keep him safe._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hurt/comfort


	7. Incredible

**August 28, 2018**

_I think I really like taking care of Kiyoomi._

_thats really weird to say and kind of stupid. I dont even know if he relies on me, hes just always hanging around me. that probably means hes relying on me, right? yeah, probably._

_even if he doesnt, I dont mind. I’m happy with this, thing we have. whatever it is. he hangs around me, I protect him like some kind of meat shield, whatever, no big deal. I carry masks around for him, he forgets his, and he cries in a public bathroom. not that last one. most of the time._

_its pretty weird that hes so forgetful about his masks when theyre so important to him though. I dont get him sometimes._

_but I dont mind. its just another one of his quirks I guess._

_hes pretty incredible that way, chock full of weird quirks and Kiyoomi-isms. Kiyoomisms._

_he usually has masks on him, and he always carries gloves. I really dont get him, how hard is it to put masks in his bag along with the rest of his cleaning supplies? he doesnt always run out, but he does seem to not have them at the weirdest times._

_anyways. he hates eating at restaurants that dont have open kitchens because he has to see them prepare the food. thats why whenever we go out together we usually go to sushi places or just end up eating street food. who would’ve guessed that Sakusa Kiyoomi likes street food? not me, thats for sure. but he can watch them cook it, and can inspect their cleanliness practices much easier than any traditional restaurant. its pretty endearing, to be honest. most of the time I end up watching him. usually I have to buy his food for him anyways, since he hates handling money of any kind. he always sanitizes his credit cards and shit, so its faster for me to just pay._

_though he usually makes me use hand sanitizer afterwards, anyways._

_his favorites are takoyaki and crepes, but his all time absolute favorite is okonomiyaki._

_I know its not that deep but his favorite food being a Kansai specialty… I dunno but it really does something to a guy. I’ll rub it in his face sometime. Kansai’s finally good for something, huh?_

_… thats not going to go over well._

_anyways. watching him make it is the most fun part. I let him go first so I dont make anything dirty or whatever, but also because I think watching him make it is entertaining. hes so meticulous and neat, even with something like okonomiyaki. I didnt know that it COULD be neat. of course Kiyoomi is the one to do it though. one day I’ll get him to eat something messy, mark my words._

_I’m pretty fond of him at this point, I think. I’m glad that hes started to open up a bit more, and is actually willing to do this kind of stuff with me now._

_I wonder if he feels safe around me. is that why he can do this stuff?_

_that makes me feel good, if that is the case._

_I want to make him feel safe._

* * *

**December 22, 2018**

_well, its almost the end of the year. this'll probably be my last entry with everything going on for a while, so, yeah._

_since the high school gang is stuck in Osaka this year, we all decided to get together at my place and celebrate the new year. and osamu will be there because he invites himself to everything I ever do. god hes the worst._

_I told everyone they could bring a plus one since it would probably be pretty boring with just the five of us, and I know osamu was already going to bring suna without asking so I just told everyone they could bring their SOs. I’m pretty sure bokkun is bringing his boyfriend akaashi, and somehow shochan is getting kageyama to come. I dont know how those two are getting their boyfriends here but thats not my problem._

_how weird is that, by the way. shouyou and kageyama? I mean, I guess its not that unlikely, but still. shochan your taste. him? he? really?  
_

_okay maybe I’m a little jealous but that’s besides the point. not everyone can be lucky with their high school crush. I guess they're okay together.  
_

_I think the only people not bringing someone are me and Kiyoomi. I think me and Kiyoomi are the only single people in our little group. No, we ARE.  
_

_haha maybe we’re each others plus one’s._

_haha._

_I’m sad._

_he’s not my plus one, but at least he’s not bringing someone else, if he’s even coming. I hope._

_god I know osamu is going to rub it in my face that he and suna got together before me and Kiyoomi._

_holy shit I wrote that without thinking and now I’m a fucking mess.  
_

_Kiyoomi probably doesnt even want to get together with me, what am I saying._

_I really hope he comes though. he rarely goes out with the team for drinks, and lately we havent been doing our usual get food after practice together thing. I’m hoping that since it is just going to be the eight of us or whatever that he’ll be more willing to show up. I already sent him my address and the time too, so he has absolutely no excuses. I mean he said he would too, but we’ll never know until he actually shows up at my apartment._

_I’m getting kinda nervous just thinking about it._

_everyone else is going to be a couple except me and him, and new years is kinda romantic, so I hope its not going to be weird._

_maybe it’s a good thing though? I think I’m being too hopeful. maybe._

_even if there really is nothing between us though, I’ll be happy just to spend new years with him._

_isnt that everyones dream? getting that new years kiss, starting the new year off with a boyfriend…_

_I’m not going to do any of that, though. I mean I dont even know if he likes me, I dont want to make things weird by confessing or anything. even though I want him to know. I dont want to fuck everything up, and if he knows I like him it might make shit weird._

_I dont know how I’d confess anyways. I think about you all the time? nah, that sounds creepy. I like you? boring. you’re everything to me? too intense. I love_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;)
> 
> also atsumu is stupid and dramatic i firmly believe he would write out ellipses
> 
> safe/home


End file.
